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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25294639">Any More</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriturus/pseuds/moriturus'>moriturus</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Frozen (Disney Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Discord: Elsanna Shenanigans (Disney), F/F, Suicide</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:07:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,200</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25294639</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriturus/pseuds/moriturus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Elsa hadn't made it back from Ahtohallan? One-shot from the Elsanna Shenanigans June 2020 competition.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anna/Elsa (Disney)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Any More</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Warnings: depression and suicide, graphic descriptions of death, major character death.</em>
</p>
<h1>Any More</h1>
<p>Premise: What if Elsa hadn’t made it back from Ahtohallan?</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>I smell that chilly breeze blowing through the fjord</em>
</p>
<p>I felt her fall. I felt her fall into Ahtohallan, that cursed place, and never come out. She dove too deep, and she drowned in the river.</p>
<p>I still haven’t been there. Yelana offered to take me, to take any of us on an expedition across the Dark Sea, to Ahtohallan. She was so thankful that I restored the balance in nature, set the spirits straight, and broke the dam that my grandfather built to oppress the Northuldra.</p>
<p>Maybe someday.</p>
<p>
  <em>I hear those creaky wagons as old board meets old board</em>
</p>
<p>I didn’t get a choice.</p>
<p>I had no say in the matter when she sacrificed herself to save our kingdom, and I had no say in the matter when the Northuldra, thinking they were doing the right thing, found her remains and brought her back.</p>
<p>I remember hearing the wagons as they crossed the moat over the gates, the stir of the crowd. I saw Yelana, Ryder, and Honeymaren leading the procession.</p>
<p>With Kristoff. And Sven.</p>
<p>
  <em>I breath in the place I live and wonder what more I must give this home</em>
</p>
<p>I regret ever leaving the castle to meet them. I should have stayed inside. I should have been like her, locked the door, concealed myself away from the pain. Conceal, don’t feel sounded so stupid at the time, but I understand it now. I understand her now - too late.</p>
<p>I saw it on Kristoff’s face the moment they crossed the bridge. He was dreading seeing me, even though in his heart, he did it for me.</p>
<p>Our happy marriage lasted a week. Just a week, because without her here, nothing mattered. The coronation was a dull, distant memory, in the time before I knew she was gone. I’d given everything to do the next right thing.</p>
<p>My freedom for a crown.</p>
<p>My hand to someone I didn’t love.</p>
<p>My heart and soul to someone I loved and lost.</p>
<p>I have nothing left to give.</p>
<p>Almost nothing, anyway.</p>
<p>
  <em>Our home</em>
</p>
<p>When the wagons came to the courtyard, I ran out. I screamed, but I couldn’t tell you what I said. All I remember was Kristoff grabbing me and shouting at me, trying to restrain me from the wagon. Sven’s head was hung low.</p>
<p>“No, Anna! No - please, don’t… don’t look, Anna. You don’t have to see- I don’t want you to see her like this.”</p>
<p>But I did. I looked, and I would have plucked my own eyes out if it meant never having to see that sight again, even though I would see it in my nightmares without fail, every evening. They’re called remains for a reason, because the person you knew as a whole, living person sometimes… isn’t. Isn’t healthy, isn’t living, isn’t… whole.</p>
<p>Kristoff pulled me away. “You don’t have to look any more, Anna. Come on. Let’s get you…”</p>
<p>I don’t remember the rest. All I remember is darkness.</p>
<p>
  <em>Wandering through the town with everyone doing all of their stuff</em>
</p>
<p>I don’t know how long I wandered. It might have been an hour. A day. A week. A year. I can’t remember. I do remember the people - our people. My people. I keep forgetting it’s mine, not ours, because she’s gone.</p>
<p>Sleep was no friend of mine, because in sleep I kept seeing her. Sometimes I saw her in the wagon. Sometimes I saw her washed up on the shores of Ahtohallan, where Yelana found her. And every time I ask her why she did it, why she left me, why she didn’t love me enough to let us go together.</p>
<p>She never answers.</p>
<p>
  <em>Somewhere in my heart I feel, they’ve taken more than enough</em>
</p>
<p>I didn’t mean to, but I did. I turned on the people. I blamed them for her death, blamed the kingdom for making her sacrifice herself. I blamed the spirits for their impotence. What good are demigods if they can’t do even basic things themselves?</p>
<p>Why did it take a girl to motivate rock giants to throw rocks at a dam? If the spirits were so all-knowing and all-powerful, why didn’t they just do it themselves, restore the balance, and… not take her from me?</p>
<p>They’ve taken more than enough. No more.</p>
<p>
  <em>For these people I know, this place that I loved so</em>
</p>
<p>My last official act as Queen was to not be Queen any more. Mattias knew. He knew from the day the wagon arrived that Queen Anna was not long for her reign. I think he knew long before that, the moment I knew the truth, I’d come undone.</p>
<p>He has always been a good friend to our family, and he’ll make a fine Regent.</p>
<p>
  <em>I wish that as I walk I could smell the kransekake walking out of the baker’s door</em>
</p>
<p>Depression is accurately named. After the shock and the sorrow wore off, what was left was… well, nothing. Nothing smelled good. Nothing tasted like anything. I could have eaten a slice of moldy bread or a bar of the richest chocolate and I wouldn’t know the difference. Every sensation was pressed down.</p>
<p>Colors became the same. Every sound became too loud, too harsh, too much. Only when it was quiet and dark and cold was it tolerable.</p>
<p>The bitter, bitter irony. The cold doesn’t bother me now.</p>
<p>
  <em>The merchants haggling over fish remind me I lost what I wished</em>
</p>
<p>That’s not entirely true, actually. There’s one smell I remember, and I can’t forget no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I try.</p>
<p>Hers.</p>
<p>From the wagon.</p>
<p>The rotting smell at the docks is the closest I’ve come since, and I collapse into a puddle of my own vomit every time I’m near it.</p>
<p>No one helps me. Why would they? I abdicated. I’m just another citizen of Arendelle now, and days? Weeks? Years? of barely sleeping have taken their toll on me. I doubt anyone would recognize me now even if they did care.</p>
<p>
  <em>’Cause I’m all alone forever more</em>
</p>
<p>Mattias made sure that I had an attendant and a small allowance to live, as well as my room in the castle. But all I felt and heard was silence. Empty, hollow, oppressive silence that weighed on me like a blanket of stone.</p>
<p>I even miss Olaf. I should have known she was gone the moment he faded into flurries and didn’t come back. I still have his sticks and coal in a bag somewhere. His carrot rotted away long ago.</p>
<p>
  <em>The memories in this castle weigh heavy on my heart</em>
</p>
<p>It’s funny how habits get ingrained in you. I stood outside her door, knocking, even though it’s been years since she lived in that room.</p>
<p>I slumped down against it, like I did when I was growing up. I could have opened it, of course - it wasn’t locked any more, and hadn’t been locked in years. But it may as well have been, because she won’t answer me when I cry out her name in the night.</p>
<p>
  <em>Especially my family, we’d all been through a lot</em>
</p>
<p>Kristoff checked in on me frequently in the beginning, but I couldn’t bear to be near him. He reminded me every minute of what I didn’t have. I pushed him away. Bless him, he tried his hardest, but the days between visits became weeks, and then less.</p>
<p>And then one day, a messenger left a small package for me at the castle. In it was his ring and a note.</p>
<p>“I can’t wait any more.”</p>
<p>I don’t blame him. I hope he’s found someone and he’s happy. Someone deserves to be.</p>
<p>
  <em>I know how fragile things can be. When I lost them, I lost me.</em>
</p>
<p>Mattias had to replace Elsa’s door. That was my fault, too. I don’t remember it at all, but he said that it was covered in deep scratches and blood.</p>
<p>I believe him. My fingers have scabbed cuts all over them, the fingernails torn away. The doctor said I need to rest, that I had something ridiculous… hysteria, he called it. He’s an idiot.</p>
<p>It’s not hysteria.</p>
<p>It’s soul-rotting grief.</p>
<p>
  <em>They were my ocean, they were my shore</em>
</p>
<p>Was it quick? Did she suffer? When she washed up on the shores of Ahtohallan, was she still alive?</p>
<p>Did she call out to me to save her?</p>
<p>I don’t know. And not knowing is killing me, a little bit every day.</p>
<p>
  <em>I tried to give them more</em>
</p>
<p>I should have pushed Elsa harder to let me come with her to Ahtohallan. I agonize over that argument we had on the hill overlooking our parents’ broken ship. Her last words to me, the last words I’ll ever hear from her, was that she can’t lose me.</p>
<p>Why didn’t I argue?</p>
<p>Why didn’t I fight?</p>
<p>If we had died, at least we would have died together. Instead, I lost her, and she lost me.</p>
<p>I never got to tell her I loved her one last time.</p>
<p>
  <em>Now they’re home. Their home.</em>
</p>
<p>When he replaced Elsa’s door… I loved that door. It was the last piece of her I had, the last physical object that reminded me of her, that let me conjure up her face.</p>
<p>Once upon a time, I had more. She had a painting of us made, and she gave it to me on my birthday long ago. I don’t know what happened to that painting, but I miss it. I wish I could see her beautiful face any way other than the final time I saw it in the courtyard.</p>
<p>What was left of it.</p>
<p>
  <em>Bless this peacefulness you found, bless this hallowed solid ground</em>
</p>
<p>The hills are where our parents’ memory stones are, and where I had her buried. It’s peaceful up here. Quiet. Our parents’ stones are large, imposing, dark grey slabs of rock with their names carved into them, even though there’s nothing underneath the soil. I often wonder if there are two skeletons on a distant shore somewhere.</p>
<p>I wonder if that’s how I would have found Elsa one day, if Yelena hadn’t found her first.</p>
<p>But it’s quiet up here, peaceful. The mountains that she loved are lined in snow.</p>
<p>Back when… when I still had her, I could see her ice palace from here. It shone like a diamond against the mountains, especially at sunset.</p>
<p>It broke when she did. Now it’s just the mountains up here again.</p>
<p>
  <em>Your home</em>
</p>
<p>Her stone is in the middle, between our parents. I had the castle staff scour the land for the whitest, most pure marble in the land, and had it carved in the shape of a snowflake, sanded to the smoothness of her ice.</p>
<p>It’s always cool to the touch any time of year, just like her skin was. Cool, pure white, smooth, flawless. Her name is engraved along the side, so that the perfect surface remains flawless through the centuries.</p>
<p>
  <em>My home</em>
</p>
<p>This is where they’ll find me. With her, next to her, where I belong. Where I belonged this whole time. I never left her, because I died the day she did, and the honest truth is, it’s just taken a while for my body to catch up with my heart and soul.</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m home.</em>
</p>
<p>The merchant said it’s painless. One swallow, and I’ll just… go.</p>
<p>Elsa, I love you. I’m coming home.</p>
<hr/>
<h2>Author’s Notes</h2>
<p>This fic was part of the June 2020 Elsanna Shenanigans contest. It originated in a conversation with FishyCoffee about the unreleased song from Frozen 2, Home. What would it sound like if I rewrote the song in the context of Elsa never coming home?</p>
<p><em>I smell that chilly breeze blowing through the fjord</em> <em>I hear those creaky wagons as old board meets old board</em> <em>I breath in the place I live and wonder what more I must give this home</em> <em>Our home</em> <em>Wandering through the town with everyone doing all of their stuff</em> <em>Somewhere in my heart I feel, they’ve taken more than enough</em> <em>For these people I know, this place that I loved so</em> <em>I wish that as I walk I could smell the kransekake walking out of the baker’s door</em> <em>The merchants haggling over fish remind me I lost what I wished</em> <em>’Cause I’m all alone forever more</em> <em>The memories in this castle weigh heavy on my heart</em> <em>Especially my family, we’d all been through a lot</em> <em>I know how fragile things can be. When I lost them, I lost me.</em> <em>They were my ocean, they were my shore</em> <em>I tried to give them more</em> <em>Now they’re home. Their home.</em> <em>Bless this peacefulness you found, bless this hallowed solid ground</em> <em>Your home</em> <em>My home</em> <em>I’m home.</em></p>
<p>That</p>
<hr/>
<h3>Join The Party</h3>
<p>Enjoyed this story? Want to meet fellow readers and discuss? Join the Elsanna Shenanigans community on Discord at discord.gg/TU9NpnH (copy and paste that URL for AO3 friends, go to discord dot gg slash TU9NpnH for FFN friends).</p>
<p>As always, please review, kudos, comment, like, follow, all that good stuff. I appreciate it.</p>
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